A hundred steps to find me | citysky's Blog

I can't hide behind citysky anymore.

When did this place become more important than my life? When my life became untenable.

In the past I would have said "citysky needs to address her problems." See the distance? I can't do that anymore.

I need to address my depression. I need to address my addictions. I need to address my life.

Yesterday a co-worker jokingly asked me how I "put up with them all". I told him I did a lot of drugs. We laughed together but what I wanted was for him to look into my eyes and see all the pain and help me.

I have wasted more than 2/3 of my life hiding behind my son's abduction and my abusive childhood. I have wasted my life being drunk or high or just passed out on the floor. I have wasted my life and there is no way to get that time back.

I have been running and running and running and now I'm out of breath. I'm tired. And I'm sad. And I know this is going to hurt but I don't have a choice anymore.

I have to be honest now. I have to get help. I can't be citysky anymore. I have to face what made me who I am and then put it behind me. I have lied and cheated and medicated long enough. It's only when I admit my problems, my "dirty deeds" that I can perhaps somewhere find acceptance and the help to become a better, more authentic me.

I have left two stories on my profile. I think these two are the most important ones I've written. They explain who I am right now. One day I hope to come back and write a new story. About who I've become. A better, more sane, me.

God I love you all. For the past two and a half years you are the only ones who've heard my voice yelling into the darkness. You have meant the world to me.